Being a Non-Conformist is Hard. Here are 5 Ways to Make Sticking to Your Values Easier
- Tawanda Jazz
- Dec 31, 2023
- 6 min read
Updated: Jun 24
Resisting the urge to conform (to go along with what everyone else around you is saying or what your political party or family/social group believes) is incredibly hard at first. And the pressure you get to conform from your peers, society and propaganda or ads is so strong that even the biggest rebel will cave in sometimes. When the internet became widely used and social media came around, corporations and the government had whole new ways to influence our behavior so that we wanted—more than ever—to be a part of the crowd.
Our social media networks and online interactions have now become echo chambers, where people are agreeing with each other and saying the same things over and over again, with any dissenting opinions dismissed and anyone who disagrees in any way being attacked or shunned. To be a non-conformist and stick to your own individual values in these times is a truly revolutionary act, and takes a lot of courage. When I talk about nonconformity, I am not talking about being different for the sake of being different—I am talking about being your authentic self, even when it seems that everyone around you is part of a hive mind.
Hive•mind: A notional entity consisting of a large number of people who share their knowledge or opinions with one another, regarded as producing either uncritical conformity or collective intelligence.
(in science fiction) a unified consciousness or intelligence formed by a number of alien individuals, the resulting consciousness typically exerting control over its constituent members.
When people that we care about, respect, or just don’t want to get into arguments with forcefully push their opinions on us, it is hard to keep standing up for yourself, and eventually, you can even start to think that you might just be wrong, delusional or crazy. And the less empathetic that other people are when it comes to others’ values and feelings, the more they will try to beat you down until you agree with them.
A meta-analysis of studies between 1979 and 2009 showed a steep decline in empathy that correlated with the rising use of social media, and several more recent studies have found a connection between social media use and increased anxiety, depression, and narcissism as well as lowered empathy. In other words, most people who use the internet are way less likely than they were 20 years ago to give a shit about your values and feelings, and way more likely to try to get you to think like them.
At the same time, you have advertisements, propaganda, deepfakes, and that insidious all-knowing algorithm following you around, blinking like a vegas casino, begging for your attention. Because of this, governments (both conservative and liberal) and corporations are getting their way—they’re getting our data, and they are getting their massive herd of sheep, ready to do what the internet drives us to do, think how they want us to think, and keep buying, consuming, and yes—obeying.
So what do we do when everything around us is making it so hard to be ourselves?
1. Lead or follow, like humans do.
The urge to join the herd is pretty damn strong, so maybe don’t fight it—just find a different herd. If you live in a city, search for groups that share your values and join them. Surround yourself with like-minded people instead of people who want you to be something you’re not. Just be on the lookout for the harassment or bullying of people who think differently, cult-ish behavior or violent activity—getting involved in those kinds of groups are worse than being alone! If you live in an area where you can’t meet others who share your values, start a group yourself. Subreddits and Facebook groups are all fine and dandy, but they rarely meet in person, and you could find yourself up late in front of your screen having heated conversations with a bot.
2. Make sure your values match your actions.
Anyone can go around shouting about how they are vegan, or a minimalist, or into health and fitness or whatever, but if your everyday life isn’t matching up with your values, it will be even harder to defend your values to those who want to strip them from you. Build habits around your values, and become passionate about those habits. No need to brag or be loud about what you are doing, though—just love it, and keep doing it. The more passionate and confident you are, the less it matters to you when people disagree with you.
3. Make sure that your values are actually yours in the first place.
It’s easy to make yourself look or sound like an expert online and amass millions of followers that hang on your every word, without even being a real “expert” in anything. Joe Rogan of The Joe Rogan Experience is just an actor and a UFC enthusiast, an entertainer without any background in anything else—but his word is taken as the gospel by millions. Alex Cooper, host of Call Her Daddy (one of the most popular podcasts on Spotify) has a degree in TV/Media and communication, but is giving random advice on “girl stuff”, as she calls it.
It seems that we believe most of what our favorite influencers or online personalities (i.e., actors) say, rather than really stopping and considering whether or not we actually share their beliefs or values. I am writing this article right now, and I am not a psychologist or someone who specializes in non-conformity, so I encourage you to stop, think about what I am saying and see if it really does apply to you. Question what people say, no matter how entertaining they are! Also, look at your family and any forceful influences in your life that may have conditioned you to believe that their values and beliefs were actually your own.
4. Do some digging to find out what’s really important to you.
Finding out what your true values are is a process, but a really rewarding one. First, write down the times in your life where you felt the most satisfaction, peace and/or happiness. Take your time with this—you really want this to be well- thought out. Then, list the times in your life that were the most dissatisfying, the worst times. Think of the worst job you ever had, or the worst relationship, the worst part of your childhood. Then, list out things that make you angry—be sure to stick to things that affect you personally and not harmful acquired ideas, like how you hate other political groups or groups of people. The ideas here is to find out your own values, and very few people (unless they are murderous psychopaths) have hate or violence as a true value in their life. Next, imagine your ideal workplace. What would you do? How would people treat each other? Would you still be in your current profession? After that, list your ideal day. Let’s just say that you had a day off , one where you could do anything you wanted to (but you’re not a millionaire or anything). What would you do? Where would you go? What would make you happiest?
Now, look at each list. If, for one of the times you felt completely peaceful and satisfied, you were, say, on a fishing boat with your best friend in the middle of a beautiful, quiet pond full of fish. What words would you use to describe the great things about that moment? Peace? Friendship? Time in nature? Guess what? Those are your values. They are things that are important to you, that make your life feel worthwhile. Go through the entire list and write down the words that describe those moments. Any words describing the negative, dissatisfying moments are the opposite of your values. So if you wrote down “crappy demeaning boss”, and the descriptor is “feeling attacked” or “not appreciated” your corresponding value may be that you believe in fair treatment, and showing appreciation for work well done.
5. Start living by your values.
Once you have a list of your values, make copies and keep them where you can see them, like in your wallet, your bedside table, or your car or mirror. Make new habits that will keep you adhering to your values, and that will further cement them and help you change the way you live. for instance, if one of your values is being healthy, start walking or riding a bike or working out every day, just for ten minutes a day. Do it until it feels like an automatic habit, and then start another value habit. Always start small. And go for a long time before adding more!
Protecting your mind, thoughts, and values from outside influence is difficult, but you’ll find that it gets easier and more enjoyable over time. The pressure to conform may never go away, but as long as you are strong and confident in your authentic self, you'll be able to resist.
“No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.”
—Friedrich Nietzsche